Saturday, 12 July 2008

Cat Trouble


It has come to my attention that there is a cat resident in Diploville. The evidence presents itself in the form of foul-smelling deposits, often secreted, like antipersonnel mines, slightly below the surface. I have indeed been rendered powerless by the dastardly booby traps on more than one occasion. Revenge, it is often said, is a dish best served cold - that'll be the little bowl of milk then, placed strategically in the middle of the lawn 25 metres from the Diplo back door. The chosen killing zone benefits from good morning light, a clear and safe backdrop and is easily hosed down. Much discussion has taken place on the subject of weapon selection, I have been in touch with a retired SAS officer friend of mine and in the true spirit of "who dares wins" we settled on this basic selection from the Diplo armoury. My own personal favourite would be the Marlin 30.30 for it's sheer brute force, the Martini action Greener GP is a handy piece with a very tight choke producing a solid pattern at the range we're interested in, the grenade, frankly, is a distraction and not really appropriate here. In the interest of good neighbourly relations I plan to serve notice on the cat's owner. Ooh, the Expedient 9mm submachine gun isn't ready yet or that would have top slot - obviously. MORE FIREPOWER!

16 comments:

Peter Ashley said...

Well, as a cycle dealer in Leicester once said to me when I enquired whether the payment for a Raleigh Policeman's Bike could be spread out a bit, "Mr.Ashley, there's more ways than one of killing a cat other than putting dynamite up its arse".

Toby Savage said...

With you all the way Diplo. There used to be one of the foul creatures did it's business in my tubs. I tried all the proprietary stuff. No good. Resorted to two lengths of welding rod across the tub, connected to the mains. Little bastards whiskers sensed the plot and I failed to electrocute him. I now use mouse traps hidden just below a skim of soil. Gives their little paws a good nip. It's worked. No new poo to report.

A F-A said...

Crivvens! WHAT would Mrs Slocombe say about this?!

Peter Ashley said...

Cue Camilla.

Thud said...

Use everything at your disposal..and more...cats are the enemy.

Peter Ashley said...

Two cats recently arrived at one of the cottages on the estate. Within a day one had been taken off by a fox, but the other appears to have adopted me. When it's not sitting under the garden bench on Burning Kettle Lawn it sits on my window-sill glaring at me. It looks like a Long-Eared Owl, but its stare also has more than a passing resemblance to the Ice Queen on the neighbouring estate. Her medium, I expect.

Diplomat said...

Shoot the f---er !

Peter Ashley said...

Actually, it's not 'medium'is it? I meant 'familiar' as in Witchfinder General. "Come Stearne, we must ride to Brandeston and seek out these papist idolaters".

Diplomat said...

shoot it anyway - just in case.

Peter Ashley said...

It'll come back to haunt me Diplo. Like the pork pie I had for tea yesterday.

A F-A said...

Assuming you have got the little blighter - and that there is anything left of it after your use of *ahem* Limited Tactical Firepower, may I recommend Simon Bond's 'Complete Uses of a Dead Cat', being the compendium edition of: "101 Uses of a Dead Cat", "101 More Uses of a Dead Cat", "Uses of a Dead Cat in History".

Peter Ashley said...

Come on Diplo. All we've had in six weeks is you killing a cat that's annoyed you, the street light outside your front door and people falling off motor bikes. I know there's a war on but we're all gagging for more down here.

Toby Savage said...

Yeah. Come on Diplo. What happened to the cat, at least? A woman knocked on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen her missing black cat. When I muttered "one less then... thanks God' she was not amused.

Peter Ashley said...

I'm getting really worried. Do you think he's gone off with Camilla Jessop? Hope he took a camera.

A F-A said...

It's The Glorious Twelfth today. Seems like the perfect excuse for training the shotgun on a feline....

My only worry is that Diplo's absence indicates that he has, in fact, already tried - and that the cat got his shot in first!

Peter Ashley said...

Look, I think it's time we hi-jacked Diplo's blog. Let's get Jacqui and Camilla and Alice revving it all up. I have it on good account that Diplo's slaughtering fish somewhere near Inverness, so let's get down to it.