Still Waters....

20 gallons of cider which has been fermenting furiously for 16 days is about ready for the next stage in the apple-ethanol production test run. Today's frantic 'shop activity at Diplo HQ has been concentrated on getting the still built. The condenser is complete and ready for action. We made a decision to sacrifice one of the vast collection of assorted brand petroleum spirit cans. Scrap copper pipe is crudely bent to fit and soldered at both ends - we figured around six feet of cooling coil would do the trick. Garden hose tap connectors will allow simple flow of chilled water when required. The Aeroshell 5 gallon can is the mash container which is going to receive the fabricated copper reflux tube in the next 'shop session. We're also contemplating adding a reinforced heating plate to the base to prevent burn-through. The whole contraption will sit atop a gas burner and bubble away merrily. Keep you posted. MORE MOONSHINE !

The Final Straw ?

My typical pub visit is an "early doors" couple of pints - maybe on the way home or by way of wrapping up the days business with a celebratory/consolatory freshener. Under these circumstances it is by no means compulsory to visit the bog. My ideal pub bog is detached or possibly annexed, certainly doesn't have access from within the building and is pretty basic. Obscure-glazed Crittal windows with a smattering of cracked panes always help and, of course, condensation should be evident. If any wash basin is provided at all, it obviously shouldn't supply hot water. You may have noticed in last month's "Death of A Queen" that we've got a problem with our local. Well it's got worse as can be seen by the picture captured by our intrepid under-cover reporter, Unmitigated Ashley. Having failed to get the seriousness of the problem across via e-mail and 'phone I dragged him down there for a pint so he could witness the horror for himself. The picture says it all really. MORE CONDENSATION !

Words Fail Me

And that's all I have to say about that - again. MORE BREAKFAST !

F..k Me That Hurt !

Please excuse the implied expletive. I was once out wild-fowling in a very remote swamp in The Northern Territories, we were a good two hours walk from the vehicle and a further two hours drive to the nearest homestead. The peace and quiet was shattered by a very loud bang from six feet behind me followed by the little outburst that appears in the title. The guy I was with, out hunting bare-foot in about 12 inches of swamp water, had un-wittingly put a magnum 12 gauge No4 shot goose round straight through his foot from very close range. There was a lot more swearing and howling but we did manage to save his life and he still has a neat hole you can poke your finger through in the middle of his right foot. I was wondering if the great Heinz empire made a similar fuss when they realised that they'd shot themselves in the foot with the crazy re-design of the Beanz can. If they hadn't buggered about with that I may well not have been tempted to investigate, and the much denied recipe change might have gone un-noticed. I wrote to Heinz a while ago looking for an explanation for the watering down of the sauce and the evident change in bean/sauce ratio. They hotly denied any funny business but we at Diplo HQ weren't to be fobbed off that easily and the bribery vouchers were returned to sender. Tests carried out over a period of six months against some old stock revealed the shocking extent of the cynical cooperate tampering. I am pleased to report that the last can of Heinz has been launched from the pantry at Diplo Hall and after much blind tasting in a range of conditions we have re-stocked the shelves with the fine Branston Beans (spelt correctly). I feel such a fool for being so loyal to the Heinz brand for all these years, the power of marketing is a sinister force indeed and we need to break free every now and then. MORE CONSUMER AWARENESS !

The Good LIfe

Prompted by the glut of fruit this autumn the Diplo 'shop has turned to biofuel production - time to dust off the apple press. October 1/2 term is the perfect time for family involvement and Diplo Jnr has been producing apple juice - 20 gallons of the stuff. My friend Rupert Paul, holder of the world land speed record in the home-made fuel class, advised we need a juice of around 10% sugar content to be sure of a reasonably alcoholic cider as a start. He also advises much patience in the distilation process. We are proposing to build our own still and if we can produce a litre or two of 85% apple-ethanol we just need to re-jet the XT and we're away.In keeping with the environmentally conscious approach to motorcycling the Diplo 'shop has always been a responsible recycler. It was decided that once the muntjac had finished with their skins they should be be put to good use. As a winter riding seat cover these are unsurpassed for comfort and durability - available to order. MORE ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERN !

Field Trials

Following the XT's encounter with a five series BMW station waggon it was deemed wise to strip out the front end for a thorough check and re-alignment, the bars had shifted over an inch in the clamps and the forks twisted considerably in the yoke. Plenty of work with straight edge, laser, plumb line and measuring stick has confirmed that we have the machine back pretty good. Much of the work was around checking cable runs and ensuring nothing was pinched, trapped or compromised. Sunday saw the XT loaded in the hauler for a trip to my brother's place for some shake-down tests and handling checks following the rebuild. Diplo Jnr was keen to get his leg over the machine to see if Dad had fixed it up well. Half an hour of ripping up and down the field, practicing his drifting skills and generally scaring the wildlife met with a thumbs up. All's well that's done properly. MORE HAULING !

Death of a Queen

Shocking news indeed, I'm so grief stricken and incensed that these few lines may well appear rambling and distracted - I make no apology for this. My local, and possibly one of the finest public houses in the country, has bitten the dust. What makes me so angry is that this disaster was avoidable (and yet inevitable - somewhat like a train crash viewed in slow motion). Unfortunately the sentiments expressed here are coming from the same "less is more" mantra that my regular readers will recognise. I have reviewed the pub in question many times on these pages - a slightly grumpy landlord who was passionate about beer, he provided his own game for the table, butchered his own meat - as evidenced by the sprinkling of sawdust often found to be soaking up blood outside the kitchen door. All this was going on in an atmosphere of dimly lit, relaxed gastronomic indulgence. Look - I could go on about how good the pub was for ages but poor Geoff was exhausted after seven or eight years and ended up having to pass the baton to a new runner - what an effing disaster. I am siting the pub in question (some of you will know where I mean) as the most spectacular example of how to completely ruin a good thing. My gut feeling is the new leaseholder has seen an opportunity and thought he could do with a bit of the action. Instead of leaving well alone he's tried something new !!! I was taken for dinner a few weeks ago by some friends from The States - breathtakingly embarrassing experience - it actually makes me want to cry to think of it - the bloody fire wasn't even lit and we had to take the "energy saving" light bulbs out of their fittings to reduce the glare. I'll tell you just how bad this is - on Saturday some blind, stupid and uncaring car driver pulled out in front of me whilst out on the XT, I hit him pretty hard and took a trip over the roof, smacking the tarmac on all fours on the other side. Removing my helmet, calmly clutching a fast swelling wrist whilst dripping blood all over the place I told him how it really is: " that's nothing - you should see what they've done to my bloody local !". Actually I'm incapable of writing any more just now and will continue in a calmer frame of mind another day. Sorry. MORE DISASTER !