Room to Move

Having moved the Diplo workshop (or contents) to Diplo Hall it became apparent that you can't fit a firkin into a pint glass. I'm not sure that I ever thought you could but when the contents of a 300 m3 'shop are spread out on the driveway it becomes very obvious that there's no way it's all going inside a 24 m3 garage. One of the work benches alone is 16x6x3 feet and has had to be installed elsewhere on "loan". Interestingly the biggest headache comes when all the available space in the three extant storage zones is already in use, albeit very inefficiently and with no reference to a system of priorities. Moving stuff around was going to be the order of the day, it was envisaged that as part of this process, strict trash filtration would reduce the volume somewhat. In trying to plan the operation my heuristic algorithms were failing, permutation parities were way out until it was pointed out to me that we didn't have "the missing tile" or void block. This is the essential room for manoeuvre that we all recognise from the sliding tile picture puzzles. What's needed is an additional empty shed to play the part of the all important void or space. Re-calculating, allowing for the 4th dimension, produced all the answers. Given the fact that this entire process was to take place during the early C21 ice age, complete with much snow, the extra covered space proved to be essential and allowed for a smooth, stress free move. Needless to say, having completed the operation, the empty space, or void, can then be filled with some of the "marginal" skip victims. This means that to repeat the process we shall need yet another(5th) shed. One conclusion is that there'll always be demand for sheds. Here thanks have to go to Mrs Diplo who is obviously a tile puzzle expert, she spotted the problem and bought me a shed for Christmas. MORE LOVE !

2 Pounder

This is the famous and much sought after Culpin's Christmas Pie. Similar to their regular pie which itself is brilliant and featured previously on these pages (pic below). The main difference is this is the hand raised version using a VERY strong pastry. You could certainly kick this pie along the street without damaging it. I am a fan of both versions but Mr Culpin's reluctance to make the hand raised example through the year, because of time constraints, makes it all the more special when it does appear just before Christmas. I placed my order for a pair of these beauties a while ago and made a special trip to Uppingham this morning to collect them.

MORE ANTICIPATION !

Winter Tips 3

After a week of hefty breakfasts we at Diplo Hall find ourselves looking forward to a lighter meal on a Sunday morning. Pancakes with a slab of butter, a bottle of maple syrup and a rasher or two of streaky are a regular accompaniment to The Morning Service on the wireless. Today this little snack fills the gap nicely between the squirrel culling in the garden (from the warmth of the kitchen) and subsequent skinning and pinning out of pelts - perfect weather with a dry chill in the air.
We should of course take a lesson from our tree climbing friends and lay on a bit of fat for winter - this thick sub-cutaneous layer is built up around the vital organs above the hips and is just not present at other times of the year. Squirrel burgers for tea today then. MORE VARIETY !

Winter Tips 2

If you're a twelve year old boy and you prefer sleeping outdoors, rejecting the relative comfort of a bed, duvet and a roof over your head - this time of year you need one of these. The igloo itself will keep out the chillest of winds. A hole pushed through the roof is a good idea for ventilation. You may also need a current army issue Arctic sleeping bag (superior to the Pattern 58), these are not only warm but pretty tough. When you do make it back to civilisation I thoroughly recommend some of Mr Culpin's plain middle bacon, a batch of scrambled same-day eggs and a jug of hot chocolate. MORE IMPROVISATION !

Winter Tips 1

Top tip from an experienced open car campaigner. Blow the snow off the seats etc before it has a chance to melt, a casual flick with a rag is all it takes and you're sure of a snug drive to work. LESS IS MORE !

Sat Nav 3

No 3 in the Sat Nav series has been prompted by the previous post and subsequent beer lubricated conversations on the subject of people who either can't or won't think for themselves. I was actually obliged last week to nudge a rep-driven Vectra into commitment at a local roundabout as the driver seemed frozen in some incapacitating trance by the electronic gadget stuck to his windscreen. I'm a map man myself and given half a chance I'll sort out where I'm going beforehand. One of the key principles to successful navigation is the need to know where you are at any given time, lose that thread and you make work for yourself. I was trying to render assistance to a startled delivery driver recently who's SatNav had let him down. Within 30 seconds it became apparent that he had no idea what county he was in, he would have had more luck locating himself on my road map if he'd been blindfolded and given a pin to stick in the page. I couldn't get any sense out of him as he stared in disbelief at the blank screen on his dashboard. His blind faith in the electronic gadget was so strong that he had let it take him on a 4 or 5 hour delivery run to God-knows-where, the minute it expired he was lost, not just unsure but utterly without any concept of where he was ! Amazing. A recent trip to Ireland prompted a trawl of the Diplo map library, armed with a 1900 Bartholomew's Road Atlas and a 1:500,000 J&B Touring map from 1963 smooth navigation was assured, a more up to date sheet from the car hire company filled in the missing gaps and I was able to decline the offer of a rental SatNav from Mr Hertz. If I really needed open-heart surgery or a limb amputaion I might consider handing responsibility to another, (I'd need to see references, would want to verify the quality of his shoes and maybe check on his tailor) but for anything else I'll be in control thank you, and that certainly includes getting where I want to go. MORE SENSE !

Signs of Absolution....

... or "Diminished Responsibilities". We are blessed in this quiet corner of County Diplo with a generous smattering of fine churches and it seems that local pressure for the introduction of yet another rash of ill-conceived signage is endangering our enjoyment of one more. The approach over the causeway across the flood plane to the South of the village of Fotheringhay offers what has long been at the top of my list of the best church-scapes in the country - somewhat blighted now as can be seen here. The bridge we are being warned about is indeed narrow but by no means invisible so I simply do not appreciate the need for the sign. Over the years there have been accidents here but surely the bridge was not at fault, some people simply can't drive properly, have no concept of speed, no spacial awareness or have failed to think about what they are doing. Quite apart from aesthetic and environmental concerns over road signage I have another, far more serious beef - I believe we have an ever increasing bulk of the population who can't think for themselves and in producing all this guidance we are only encouraging them to switch off. There is an argument that we need to point out hazards to idiots but conversely it has to be said that the more we direct, the more we diminish responsibility. At the West end of Diploville there is a quiet primary school, just inside the 30mph speed limit, it goes without saying that when some half-sharp double glazing rep flattens a five year old who carelessly steps between parked cars at school-out time, his defence will be that he was "only doing 30 - that's the speed thing in'it ...". No comfort really to those scraping bits of bloodied grey flannel shorts and satchel off the tarmac. Quite obviously the driver's at fault even if " ..he just came from nowhere, jumped out he did..." - however the local authority have absolved him of all responsibility by telling him it's ok to drive at thirty.
I was interested to hear the discussions taking place on the wireless over the weekend around the decision to require parents accompanying children from a Cambridgeshire school on a short walk to some event to be CRB checked ! A few things'll result from this - volunteers with a criminal record may be deterred from helping, child molestators and other unsavories who've been clever enough not to have been caught will be happy, the school will be absolved of all responsibility because they've done their bit and the children will be at no more or less risk than they were visiting the un-CRB checked priest for tea and cakes after mass - marvelous. To go back to the narrow bridge - not many people have ever had a head-on collision with a closing speed of 60mph, many of those that have will not have survived, many that survived will have expressed surprise that their obligatory seat belt didn't stop them getting a bloodied nose, some will have sued the car manufacturer and no doubt some will have sued the local authority for not telling them that a 10ft wide bridge is not wide enough for two cars to pass. None of the above should concern us in the least - remove those who can't drive, read a map, change a wheel etc etc from the road, we could then get rid of all the signs, there'd be more pleasure in driving for those of us that can and we'd be able to enjoy some of our splendid countryside without bright red and yellow aluminium scars. MORE ACCOUNTABILITY !